annapaulinasuszynski

There are parts of me that I didn't know existed. Yet here they are.

Eyes Full

When you bury me under darling,

But just before when my eyes feel droopy

Like the dusk sun in the long summer days,

I’m going to say to you all my questions

That I locked here in my chest

Do you seem them?

I’m going to ask you how you saw me,

And why I saw it so differently

Why trains are so dangerous

Why he left his apple sauce and chocolate milk behind

A mess of a girl to clean up by myself

About my grandmother

And why you took her away without asking me

Everything, I’m going to ask you about the time

When I was left alone and I couldn’t breathe

About my english class and my angel

About blue eyes and people who were lost when they were born.

But the answers don’t exist do they darling?

You’ll take my face in your hands like feathers

And tell me I am the way I am.

Even though there are tears burning my cheeks as

I catch them in my hands,

You’ll kiss my nose and say that life

Chose to break you in a way that leaves

Mosaic in its midst and maybe only a few

People will understand because they have the patience

And that you’re job is to always wait.

Wait.

And to be kind and to touch their collar bone

Like spring,

Even though you remain in the shadows.

Carry the load on your back

Carry the load in your bones

Until they turn pitch like the night

And then seep into the ground,

Let no one love you

And love everyone else.

But tell the story until your hand aches

With writing and your eyes are full.

Córdoba

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Unfaithful Garden

She’s before me blinking and breathing

As I blink and breathe but I swear she isn’t me.

When she moves her mouth to talk I think here it comes

She is going to say something worth listening to but instead

She closes her mouth again, as if there were birds nests inside,

As if there were feathers in the inside of her cheek and she didn’t

Want anybody to notice.

I smile and she grimaces so I try to touch her,

But the glass is cold, so cold.

So I scream and tear and bite and kick,

Until I am out of breathe and a feather lightly

Flits through the air and lands in my hand,

I try to open my mouth but there are nests inside,

So I close it and try to speak with my eyes,

She’s trapped now, behind the mirror,

And I’m stuck trying to cover up my feathers,

And stop eating strawberries because maybe you’re

Skin will get seeds and then God knows what will

Happen when somebody sees you feeding strawberries

To nests in your mouth.

In my mouth

In her mouth, the mouth behind the mirror.

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Duende

It was like a blue velvet puddle in the

Early hours of the morning,

It dripped inside her like oil from

A broken tank, splashing down fine bone

Ribs like a ladder to a cold heart.

It was like a thick cloud of flies

With needles of emerald and rust,

Stinging those that passed with such accuracy

That when they saw the puddle, they ran,

Even though they sat like trained dogs

On the thick strands of her hair,

Like rope down her back.

Like the slime under the sand in the creek

Made of years of rotting leaves,

Just when you stand there looking at something

And your feet slowly sink down

Until an ooze seeps like blood,

A silver shimmer,

She wore it like a shawl around her shoulders.

Mirrors in her eyes,

Shattered and glued back together like mosaic,

Some say her lungs were the same way,

Breathing breathe like fragmented colors onto

Your neck, letting is slide into your hands–

Turning into clouds of flies and black slime.

But all you wanted to do was fill her back up with it,

Fill her up to until it ran over her edges,

Cleaning her tears with the stuff,

Rubbing black into the cracks,

And catching the blue velvet oil with gauntlets

Of gold and ivory,

You wanted to put her on a horse

With bread and wine and tell the

Horse to run into the sun.

My City

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Shack by the Sea

I was looking for some place to stay

In a city I don’t know.

And it came up on the side of the webpage,

I clicked on it.

“Shack by the Sea”

I don’t know why but I kept looking.

A kitchen, cracked pots and pans, wooden spoons

It comes with a dog, water, but not hot, and some spaghetti.

There’s a door but it doesn’t have hinges and a welcome mat

Please wipe your feet to enter a dirt-floored, single-roomed shanty.

It’s all windows and wood. A house of light and dirt like honey and sticks of cinnamon.

There’s a bed on wooden slats. A blanket with shells cover the dust.

My shirts drying on a clothesline outside, my skin drying in the sun

I smell like oranges and coffee, lemon rind and gin.

Like beach floorboards and toast with tomato and olive oil,

Sea salt and caramel, sweat and sand.

I am a shack with an old kitchen and an old bed,

I am the wooden spoon hanging in the sun and the old

Window frames too thick with salt,

The bottle of opened wine from the night before;

Gin under the sink.

Fish in the sangria bottle, I am the stones at the bottom of the

Ocean that I line the windowsills with, I am the path

To the grocery store that only sells oranges, jamón and fresh bread.

I am the sand in my hair and the shells on my bedspread.

I am the “Shack by the Sea.”

Damasquinado

I see you there,

But you don’t see me.

Damasquinado.

But you only think I’m black.

I see you there pulling apart

My chest and snapping bones like tree branches

Because you like making little clearings in my

Heart so you can stay the night.

But beasts dwell here, you’re not welcome,

They’re going to run you even deeper until

You’re swamped down wondering why

You liked the smoothness of my ribcage.

I see you there,

But you only see the blackness

Wrapping around my throat and down

Between my legs, threading my ankles

Like parchment ribbon.

I see you coming closer,

But I’ll always be far away–

The gold coats my bones,

It runs through my veins,

Flushes my face

And luster to my lips.

You only see the black.

The gold lines the inside of my hipbone

And the feather of my collarbone,

My knuckles are flaking with the stuff.

You only see the black.

Little birds in the inside of my cheek

And  gold thorns in the palm of my hand

Strands of gold in my eyebrows

A little gold leaf drops to the ground,

But to you I’m as black as the night.

Dos Besos

Drop it my love,

Let it fall to the ground,

Shuck the weight like winter clothes

In the face of the sun.

Open your eyes like closed shutters

And look up,

Craning a crooked neck from bending and bitting,

Open your mouth and let the sky fall in.

Let them stare and kick something at your feet,

Let it shine out of you

Be contagious, continuous, uncontainable.

Burn holes in your shoes and throw them to the wind,

Dirty your dusty toes and callous your soul

Make cobblestones from blisters and make black

Your hollow heart.

Take fingertips between the palm of your hand

And dig knuckled nails until the pain is enough

Sweep down the alley,

Start running, let your lungs float, floundering for clouds

Feeling for anger and evaporate it like steamed milk

In black, black coffee like more clouds and then death.

Don’t ask for directions and feel the directions drop

Into your stomach and dissolve in the Heineken

Until miles and miles have slipped through fingers

And filled the cracks forming in your shoes,

Like tectonic plates moving over  cobblestones.

Drop it love,

Let it fall to the ground,

Don’t take it up,

Let somebody else find it,

And if they return it, dos besos cariño.

Loneliness Like the City

Take a drag on the air,

Like a cigarette and let the sweet oxygen

Part your lips like the boy next door.

Paint on the lines like the other girls do

Around your eyes until they’re black like coal

Like your oxygen deprived heart and your struggling lungs

And put the lipstick on only to have it licked off

By the night.

I say look at yourself in the mirror hard and long

Until your vision blurs and finally you look alright

Even though your mom didn’t pick out that dress.

Those shoes in the corner, slide those up on your heel

And try to stand like a queen.

Wear gold in your ears, put the gold on your tongue

Wash it around your mouth and slide it down your throat

Until your insides are gold too.

Smell like the bottom of a brown vanilla bottle

And taste like warm coffee in the morning that’s

Been sitting in his palm as the sun rises.

I say find him and kiss him hard and leave,

He was the right one.

Make every boy want you because they can’t have you

And smile in their faces as gold leaks out of your eye

They try to catch them beads with goblets filled

With ruby vodka and star dust.

As heels crumble and lipstick turns black

I say hide it in the darkness as vanilla turns to

Molten cinnamon and you’re choking even though

Your throat’s made out of gold.

Put a cigarette between slim fingers and sit

On the stairs as it burns and burns and burns

Even though you never put it to your lips

Because your heart is smoking the damn thing

And turning different colors.

I say pick your head up to the moon

Laughing like a dog into the night and look sexy

Then flick the cig away and throw those heels to the dumps,

Find the rain water and wash your face;

Run home with a fist full of flowers and sleep

With them in your bed until the petals

Have washed your skin as you sing like the doves

And hope the loneliness is like the city;

Your heart like the wild, wild west.

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